Do you struggle with saying no to people?

Do you find that you are always pushing down your own wants + needs in order to keep everyone happy?


Or maybe you just try to guess what the other person wants from you + try to do that instead of what you really want.


These are just some characteristics of people pleasing.


What even is people pleasing?!


I define people pleasing as consistently putting other people's needs before your own. Sometimes this is a conscious pattern, but it can also be a habit that you aren't aware of.

And its tricky, because putting other people's needs above your own seems like such a noble thing. Aren't we supposed to be selfless + loving all the time?

Not really. Here is the key difference:

People pleasing is compulsively considering other people's needs above your own,

NOT IN ORDER TO SIMPLY BE LOVING AND HELPFUL AND KIND

But because you need them to like you, approve of you, think you are doing a good job

See if the characteristics described in these images seems familiar to you:


"Ugh, why do I do that?!"

There are so many reasons people have a tendency to people please. Sometimes its just your natural personality--Enneagram types related to 2 and 9 can struggle with this more frequently, but everyone is susceptible to this.


Maybe you think you need to earn love or you don't have value on your own, or maybe you were conditioned as a child to have to keep the adults + everyone else happy.

Perhaps your home life has been chaotic and it was easier to let others make your decisions and tell you what choices you can and can't make.


No matter how you got here, people pleasing derails you from living fully with the awesome gifts + ideas + personality you were born with.


It makes you LESS LIKELY to go for those big dreams of your heart and more likely to just do what is expected of you.


The key to getting unstuck is to be able to notice when the compulsive "I have to keep them happy" type thoughts come up, and consistently remind yourself that your happiness is also important. (this is one of the obstacles we overcome in coaching!)


Pay attention to these signs that you are growing out of people pleasing and try to cultivate them in your life:

Learning how to say "no"


I can't tell you how many times clients + friends have said, "I can't believe I agreed to that! Why did I say 'yes'?"


...In the moment, a friend asks them to do something + it feels great to just say "yes!" only later, do they realize that they never wanted to do that thing in the first place.


...which ends up with them just doing the thing they didn't want to do (or, occasionally, sucking it up and saying "no" like they should have done the first time around).


side note: saying no after you've already said yes is super awkward. lets avoid that by just saying no the first time around, 'k?


There are many ways you can develop the awareness muscle--the one that tells you what you really want + whats important to you-- and what I'm suggesting here is flexible enough that you can tailor it to your life so that it works for you.


Its just checking in.


easy, peasy.


(But you're probably not used to asking yourself what you want, if you want to say yes, what makes you happy, what do I want to do with my free time today, am I mad/sad/happy about this?)


Start asking. The more you get to know yourself + how you are really feeling/what you truly want, the easier it will become to sort your priorities from the priorities of others.

How do I check in with myself?


An easy way to start doing this is at the beginning of your day, as you journal or plan your schedule. Sit down and reflect on what is important for you, what you want for your day, and how the previous day went. How did the events make you feel? Did you commit to things you didn't actually want to do?


Another method is doing an evening review of how your day went. Writing your answers down in a journal will help you grow your reflection skills + help you notice growth over time.


If you are particularly struggling, you could start a new practice of saying "I will check my calendar and get back to you" every time someone asks you to do something (and by "calendar" we all know you are going to sit in your office and decide if you actually want to do it without the pressure of eyeballs on you).


Whichever method you choose, becoming more aware of the difference between what you want and what others want from you will be key in stopping the people pleasing cycle.

Journal prompts when you want to stop people pleasing



These prompts are great for when you are journaling at the beginning or end of your day, but it will also be helpful if you can pause in the moment and ask yourself these questions:


1. What is important to me?

2. What do I want?

3. How do I feel about this?


Becoming more aware of the situations you are most likely to people please, the people you struggle to say no to, and the thoughts you are having while you are doing it will really help you grow and develop the ability to assert what you want to happen in a situation.

ready to take the next step?

I help clients get unstuck! Yeah, thats an actual thing 😉 As a life coach, I offer coaching packages as well as one-off unstuck sessions. I meet with my clients + help them discover whats not working, while overcoming obstacles + making a plan to change. If you are ready for your life to be different, lets get coaching!

lets talk soon!

--alison

meet alison!

Alison Speerbrecker is a Minnesota native desperately happy to have moved away from the frozen north + into the lovely Virginia Beach area. She's a mom of 5 vibrant (nice way of saying CHALLENGING) kiddos, has a dog that sheds too much + is encroaching on her 20 year wedding anniversary. She got married as a baby, folks 😉

Alison combines her Enneagram Certification, Life Coach Training, Clinical Social Work background + life experience to work with women + help them get unstuck + change their lives. Which is the best. Learn more about Alison here.

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